Sandra Said It

Miracle Workers

2011-11-21T12:46:00.001-05:00

I was sitting on my deck a few weeks ago feeling the warmth of thesun typing on my laptop. I heard thetraffic on the street and people talking as they walked by but none of itregistered in my consciousness because I was in a zone working. But then something cut through my cocoon andpulled me into a state of awareness. Iwas not sure if I was listening in real-time or if I was operating on a delay whatI heard was a woman’s voice saying “my doctor told me I have six months tolive.” Curious to see who was talking I quietlysifted my position to get a glimpse of who was talking to whom. It was my neighbor talking to the guy whodelivered meals on wheels to the lady a few doors down.

Immediately, my judgments took over. I thought “if she’d stop all the drinking anddrugging she wouldn’t be in that predicament.” Hah! she's toxic; she just got out of jail, her & her boyfriendfight all the time, she eats junk food 24/7 and gets up off the coach only tograb a beer or walk to the store for another bag of Fritos. She’s a walking talking drugged out zombie. In my mind she might find death a relief fromher seemingly miserable life.

Whilepeople normally have conversations like that with me I was so glad she hadn’t Idid not have her in a good place in my mind. Funny thing about the mind is that I could have all thosethoughts in a split second and not miss a beat. I don’t know what was said before the "six months to live" statement but Idid hear the guy as he started fussing at her saying that God has the finalword not some doctor.

As he talked I heard him say things that I’d said so manytimes before, in essence it is done onto you as you believe. “If you accept that you surely will be deadin six months or less,” he said. “Howare you going to go down without a fight? Isn’t your life worth more to you than that? Somebody tells you that you’re going to dieand you say okay and wait on it?” Oh he was giving it to her good. “Don’t you ever let those words come out ofyour mouth again!” He spoke to her withsuch authority and disdain for what she just shared I knew she must have feltashamed, because I did.

I felt ashamed because I know what it means to havespiritual authority; to speak to the mountain and tell it to move and it bedone. I was looking at what actually wasrather than what was possible. I hadnot looked beyond her faults, but rather, reinforced them because of what she hadshown me. Familiarity does breed contemptsince she was my neighbor I didn’t have the luxury of not knowing her experientially. Now along comes the GoodSamaritan and after fussing for five minutes he asked “are you saved?” I didn’t hear her answer because it was not aquestion that was important to me. I do know thatthat’s when he started to pray with her and as he did so did I.

As man drove off to continue his route I sat there questioning myself. Who is this stranger that is in my head todaythinking as if it were me? I, SandraBishop, know better. I know that Icannot escape the prison that I locked my neighbor into. If I hold in my mind that she is doomed thenI will be too. I can’t be free if Iimprison my sister; as I see her, I will see myself. Not that I do what she does but if she can’tchange, if her life can’t be transformed then neither can mine. God is no respecter of persons if I can betransformed so can she and so can you. Itcan and did happen in a holy instant.

This exchange was an answer to a prayer I’d asked, “Godwhere have I strayed off course?” I lovethe way God speaks. He didn’t have tosay “my child you’re not looking at your neighbor through loving eyes.” He let me overhear a conversation so that Icould open my own eyes.

I can’t be a miracle worker with judgmental calcified vision. I have to see not only what is possible; Ihave to see the masterpiece that God ordained them to be, that requires that Ibe open and loving. I almost typedforgiving but it’s not that, it is beyond forgiveness. Forgiveness assumes that something is out oforder or wrong. I know that sometimespart of our growth process requires that we go into the darkness to better seethe light. It’s not that a person is wrongor off course they are “in the process” and if they keep moving forward it allworks out as it should. Sometimes we getall get stuck and linger longer than we should in the darkness thinking thatthat is our truth. A prayer is often sufficientsummons guidance. God's will will be done.

Here’s what I know. If I am in judgment of another person I’m not in the light, I’m in thedarkness too. I know that a shift inperception is all it takes; I know how to get back to heaven without aGPS. I also know that heaven isincomplete without my neighbor so if I want it restored to me it is imperativethat I show them the way. I can’t dothat from a place of judgment (standing in the dark pointing at the light) but only from a place of love.

I trust that God has a purpose and plan for each of us and thatsuccessful execution of that plan is inevitable. Once a person hears the summons, sees thelight or feels the pull there will be miracle workers like you and I along theirpath encouraging them to keep moving forward. Whispering “rest if you must but don’t you quit we’re waiting on you.”

Trust the Process

2011-11-11T15:00:00.001-05:00

It seems that something has been missing from my life, a lotof things. I have prided myself onliving with purpose and meaning but lately it seems as though I have lost myway so I pray. For years I had been involved in and taughtabout living a spiritual life, one day that all suddenly ended and I’ve feltmyself wondering in the wilderness at times trying to figure out how to havethe promise land revealed to me again, so again I pray.

I remember when I first discovered what we called newthought, I went first to a Johnnie Coleman church where they seemed to talkabout and relate to God in ways that were totally unfamiliar to me. I had read the bible cover to cover whileoverseas and found that the Baptist teachings I’d grown up in no longer suitedmy understanding. I was on my own till Imet a woman who said “oh that sounds like what they teach at LTC,” I looked itup and went thinking they couldn’t possibly be where I was but they were prettyclose. I called that place home for along time until that minister left and I went to a Science of Mind church.

Without going into the subtle nuisances of all the teachingsI’ve studied it was in new thought and Science of Mind in particular taught meabout spiritual mind treatment which is commonly called prayer. They’d dissect prayer paying close attentionto the relationship of oneness we have with God. Changing what has been instilled into me fromalmost birth is an ongoing process.

The idea that I could be plugged in one day and on theoutside looking in the next seems odd, I know. I’ve searched my soul trying to recall if this spiritual sojourn couldhave been the answer to a prayer; you know the show me kind. Maybe I needed to see or be sure that where Iwas is where I truly wanted to be. So I prayed.

The final step in the prayer process is to release yourwords with the spirit of expectancy and anticipation. When I first learned the prayer processthings seemed to happen so quickly I’d actually move out of the way for fear ofbeing hit by the fast delivery. Ichuckle about it now. When I prayed fora car I parked mine around the corner and walked home; I didn’t want anyblockage to my blessing. I got it and itonly took 3 weeks and was paid in full as requested. Often my prayers are not for things butrather to have something revealed, developed or understood. How this comes into existence is often anarduous process like the birth of a child. This spiritual wondering or sojourn maybe part of the process unfoldingwhatever the case may be I trust the process.

On Air

2011-02-11T11:47:00.000-05:00

My phone rang at 6:04 pm the other day. I’d been at my father’s house for over an hour talking about my recent trip to Seattle. He’d been asking a lot of questions and surprisingly I knew the answers. I didn’t answer some knowing the reason he was asking them. The phone number was not one I recognized but I knew it was a local cell phone number from the exchange. “Hello?” I said in my most professional voice. He identified himself right away which I like; I hate when people assume you know who it is or think that it’s fun to make you guess. I don’t save numbers in my phone automatically I don’t like scrolling through them.

The caller was Darnell Brewer and on the rare occasion that he calls it’s for a reason. “I need a favor” he got right to the point. He was asked to host a radio show for a mutual friend at the last minute and needed a guest and wanted to know if I was available. “What time” I asked, there was one of those nervous chuckles and then “7 o’clock” as he cleared his throat. After doing talk radio and cable TV for the past 15 years I know what it’s like to scramble to find a guest for whatever reason. If the show is popular its easy guest are soliciting you all the time asking if they can come on your show. When the show is not popular you’re looking under every rock you can to find someone even half-way interesting to come downtown at odd hours, in the cold to do a show. This was a live talk show with callers.

For some reason I asked “so how far down on your list was I?” as if it mattered. Maybe it was my ego but I honestly wanted to know before I agreed. “Number 3” he said. I had already stood up put my cup in the sink and was starting to pull on my coat as I gave him my meager demands. It was cold out and I didn’t want to drive, if he started right then he could get me and be down at the station in time for the show. Luckily I had my laptop in tow. I don’t know how I ever did radio before computers & internet access. I pull up everything because it seems disrespectful to those that are listening to me to be caught unaware or uninformed of anything. Thanks to the internet you can know a little bit about everything as quickly as you can type it in. We arranged a pick up location and I was off.

The Seattle Backdrop

I had only been back in town 2 days at that point. I’d spent a week in Seattle with my family following a funeral that I attended. I’d stayed with my Aunt and Uncle whose house was not only beautiful it was immaculate, something that I’m not quite use to. My place is comfortable, you know lived in; it’s just me. Like now I’m sitting here at my kitchen table typing there is no special room or office that I have to sit in, sure I have an office but I’d rather sit in my kitchen with a cup of coffee next to me. I have small bookcase on my kitchen table for books I like to keep close. I have journals and papers sprawled out on the table too. I have a basket at my feet with more books and papers and a stool for my reference stuff like a dictionary, thesauruses and bibles. My bedroom is pretty much the same, scattered with books, notebooks, pens and highlighters. Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with having a well organized home but coming from mine it’s an adjustment. They didn’t pick up my stuff but they did neaten up my workspace each time I left it for a moment.

It seemed indulgent being able to sit in their home surrounded on every side by breathtaking beauty. The view of the lake the mountain, their home was awe inspiring like the perfect place to write or create something wonderful. Leaving there to come back to my own home was hard, like a little kid I wanted to drag my feet or fall on my face and refuse to leave. It was 50 degrees and I was coming back to snow and freezing temperatures. I was ready to chuck home, thinking my fish had enough food in their automatic feeder and a decent battery. They like that feeder better anyway; feeding time is fixed and happens twice a day. They seem to pout a little when I resume feeding them.

Just like Home

My returning to the airways with that microphone in front of me felt like my return home should have felt, right. When they cued us I lit up. Doing radio is not like TV both require personality but you bring a different side of it to radio without as much prep time. I went from drinking tea with Dad to being on air in one hour. On TV you have worry about hair, makeup, wardrobe and not just any old clothes. What accentuates you while not clashing with your set? Does it make me look too fat and where to put that microphone? It’s recorded then edited then shown. Radio is live. .it’s magic and callers give instant feedback and interaction. Don’t get me wrong I love TV but the difference between radio and TV is the difference between my Aunt’s house and mine. I miss it.

Consider it Done

2010-12-10T13:21:00.001-05:00

Organized religion has done a real head job on us. When we buy into it we compartmentalize our lives into something totally unrecognizable. We divide it into the things that seem acceptable and those that are not; when in actuality all of it is who we are. It is no wonder mental ailments are so rampant in our society. Jesus said a house divide against itself cannot stand, many of us are divided within ourselves how can we stand?

I tend have the perception that an all powerful God that could create the Universe would not be a deceiver. He would not give humans or animals faculties that they were not suppose to use. We certainly need to learn appropriateness so that we don't self pleasure in public but that is vastly different from denial or suppression of our natural inclinations.

I often believe that religion without being tempered by common sense causes an internal strife. There is a beauty in being able to listen not only to your body but to your spirit as well and be true to it. Many people live unhappy, unfulfilled lives listening to everything and everybody but themselves & that still small voice that speaks from within. We pretend to trust in God yet don't trust that He speaks to each of us. If we do hear what we heard can't possibly be right. It's too audacious, to good maybe to be true for us or requires more risk than we're willing to take.

To Be Good

Most of us wonder about how different our lives would be if we had made other choices. I know I do. I wonder what I would have done if I grew up believing I was beautiful. Or if I thought it was okay to live a free and adventurous life. It is truly the nature verses nurture question for me. My nature says be out spoken, bold & adventurous. My nurture says a good Baptist girl gets married, has babies, keeps a clean house, joins the PTA and has dinner on the table when her husband gets home. Seeing life in terms of this continuum puts you at a terrible disadvantage. The definition of being good is so narrowly focused that if not this then that. I'm not good therefore I'm bad. These external value judgments cloud the real truth.

At a certain point in our lives we have to stop with the holier than thou attitudes and figure out what it means to have a real relationship with God. In becoming more spiritual and less religious we discover a God that wants us to be happy. That He didn't create us from a cookie cutter destined to monotonous Stafford wives. Spiritualized living recognizes God speaking constantly. Believe it or not when we're more spiritual God becomes more expansive, more powerful weaving in and out of every experience or encounter. We stop limiting God to a book and see Her everywhere actively involved in our lives not standing in judgment but beaconing us to rise.

The Kingdom of God is spread out before us here on earth. It is not only in the good that we see but also in the bad. In this awareness when you're confused simply ask the question God what would you have me see here? And anticipate the answer.

In All & Through All

I was following a friend to shop one day, she was taking her car in for service. We were on the freeway and I was clutching my steering wheel crying and praying out loud about a number of things that just weren't going right in my life. Finally it got to the point that I felt all prayed out, I had that pause where I thought what else? I started that involuntary sniffling we do after a good cry, you know the one where your chest heaves as you try to catch your breath.

I often use my drive time as prayer time as if traffic was some metaphor for life. This morning the traffic was thick and I had been careful to keep my eye on the car ahead of me maintaining what I thought was an acceptable distance. We'd be exiting soon so I was drying my eyes. I wanted the puffiness to go down before I had to get in the car with my friend, I didn't want the questions about why I was crying that was my business. Then out of nowhere this huge 18 wheel semi started cutting over into my lane. Checking my rearview mirror I prayed & screamed not wanting to be hit from behind as I jammed on my brakes. I was screaming all kinds of profanities at that truck.

In a matter of seconds I had gone from praying to cursing calling that driver everything but a child of God. How dare he cut in front of me like that? I could have been killed I thought and uttered a reluctant thank you to God for moving me out of the way. But I fussed at God "why does it have to be so darn hard all the time?" That truck almost hitting me was adding insult to injury or putting salt in a wound. As I was pondering my seemingly terrible lot in life I saw the truck, as if for the first time. Written across the rear door in huge cursive letters was "consider it done." Tears started pouring from my eyes freely as those words penetrated my soul. Consider it done! Thank you God, thank you.

Step Out 2 Step Up

2010-12-06T15:37:00.001-05:00

Recently I asked a friend to appear on my TV show, I was somewhat pressed to get a guest and knew he needed some PR for his newly formed business venture. On the day of the taping he called to say that he wasn't dressed right, his face was broken out, and a number of things that to me sounded like cold feet. Who passes up free publicity?

I have frequently had to talk guest into doing something that they really want to do but often lack the confidence or courage to do. They worry what others will think or say as if an opinion can, of themselves, cause harm. Truly the only harm an opinion can do is when we put a period behind it, accept it as truth and think end of story.

There is always the risk of not getting chosen but if we never step out there we run the added risk of not being seen either. All success carries with it some degree of risk, if we risk nothing we gain nothing. At least in doing or putting ourselves out there we are open we not only get exposure but we find areas to improve for better positioning.

Growth

When I first started out of the radio years ago stressed over the idea of finding my voice. I kept going on about how I wanted to be perceived, the affect I wanted to have and the general feel and texture of my show. I appeared on other's shows, co-hosted and eventually got my own show and time slot and still I talked about finding my voice.

A dear friend and fellow talk show host gave me a tape and asked me to listen; I was surprised to recognize the voice that I resonated most with was my own. I know that sounds strange how could I not recognize my own voice? I felt like I was having an out of body experience and all I could think was WOW! That day I stopped searching for my voice and realized that I had had it all along, it grew out of who I was and not something I made up based on what I thought others wanted to hear.

Self Acceptance

The challenge of accepting oneself is an internal challenge; we are often quicker to condemn ourselves than to be condemned. We compare and judge thinking that what we think about ourselves others think also. Growing up we learned to modify our behavior and thinking by listening to the constant input of others eventually, drowning out or losing track of our own voice. Part of the maturation process is finding or reclaiming that voice. That reclamation process can be very different for each of us.

Some try to fit in or blend in attempting not to differentiate themselves from the crowd. Go along to get along.
Some fight against the crowd; often taking on the role of an outsider or antagonist.
Some become approval addicts or develop co-dependent personalities.
Others learn a sense of confidence that says yes we're different and that is okay.

To a great degree learning to accept your own voice means that you must stand on your own two feet and risk the disapproval of others. It also makes room for the possibility that others may be impressed or persuaded by your stance or inspired to let go of the self-defeating habit of seeking approval.

Make time for yourself daily so you can get clear on what you think or believe and define what is important to you. When you get clear on your core values let that serve as your litmus test. The last thing we need is more coppertops jumping on a bandwagon to nowhere. Challenge those around you to look beyond the surface of what's popular.

What Does Courage Dictate You Do?

2010-08-30T10:48:00.004-04:00

A few years ago people started popping up with these bands and necklaces that asked the question WWJD or What Would Jesus Do in an effort to be more Christ like. I certainly thought it provided a good litmus test for our actions but was a little too abstract for me. It seemed much easier for me to ask myself what would love say do? In my mind I had a clear idea of what it meant to love but when I begin to think that I know what someone else would do I get a little cloudy.

My aim is to act loving. Others don't always perceive the love because even love can sometimes seem harsh. Times have changed so much our homes can often be out of balance if we don't have both male and female energy present. As a result I think that we, especially women, tend to coddle their children so much that they are cheated out of some growth experiences. If they don't get the lesson at home it is necessary that they get it somewhere. Often the most loving thing a person can do is tell the truth no matter how daunting that truth may be.

After doing the blog I wrote yesterday about clockworks and how things come together as they should I started thinking about some of the choices I've made and asked myself when it was I was stretching to my highest and best? There have been numerous times that I've stretched and acted from courage. There are also times I acted from fear. Did courage require an outside push, mine did not but as I recall when I acted from fear I sought counsel to tell me what I was doing was ok. Hmmm. . .

Today, this morning I thought that I should modify myself talk to include what would courage dictate I do? Faith isn't blind it's visionary but it requires courage. You have to have faith to be courageous because courage requires presence of mind. Fear if given entry festers and grows and can eventually permeate your thought system. Hence the admonishment by Roosevelt who said the only thing to fear is fear itself.

It Happens Like Clockworks

2010-08-29T13:09:00.004-04:00

I was looking for a small notebook, and rather than go to the store and buy yet another one I decided to look what I had in the house to recycle or re-purpose a book. Now let me say that yes, I can be somewhat of a pack rat, I have notebooks from college that have to be 20 years old. I have boxes of journals, new and used, because I write daily. As I'm typing this it's back to school season so I just purchased extra journals at the back to school prices.

After a brief search I found a small green fat notebook that is so old the lines had started to fade. It was perfect because I was just planning to keep a food journal for about a month to keep track on how different foods affect me. You know if you get bloated from dairy or a headache from coffee, the kind of stuff you can just quickly scratch down and forget about till review time.

The notebook was half filled and coincidentally started off with the number of a man I just ran into by accident a few days ago. He was in the grocery store riding in one of those handicap scooters. He asked if I was still on the radio. I told him about the TV show I was doing and he said "see I told you so" as if I had that kind of memory.

As I thumbed through the book it seemed to be a journal that I'd kept in my meditation closet. It was full of insights and prayers. It was dated for the turn of the century December 1999, which is probably when I met that guy and several months thereafter. It chronicled a few conversations with various people about money, vibrations and stuff I needed most of which I have since gotten and given away to goodwill. I wrote about what it would take to get a cable show.

In 1999 getting a show seemed to be about politics and who I knew. I seemed to be struggling to make it happen. When it actually happened it was the result of someone asking me "hey can we get you to do a show?" I said yes and things just fell into place because I kept moving forward. It is still not all that I've envisioned but as I keep moving forward I trust that all will happen as it should.

Prayer

When I had my center I seemed to struggle with finances, but I was so happy about allowing Spirit to use me. I use to talk about prayer & meditation which is the medium for creation. In meditation I'm conscious of the gentle spin of this wonderful planet and the movement of time. Everything is alive, active and moving but when I got clear in my mind about what I wanted and formulated it into a request or prayer I could feel a pause in the activity of life. It was as if someone said "wait-wait-wait: Sandra just put in a request." I could feel the adjustments being made in the clockworks, reset, and then a resuming of the movement of time.

Results aren't immediate in experience but seed was planted the moment I made my request. If left to germinate it will arrive when ripe. It's mostly about me growing into the person I need to be for my desire to come into fruition. It is not easy to trust that Spirit knows how to accomplish our desired result. This is most apparent in our search for a mate, rather than exercising patience we jump on the first thing that slows down.

The Gift

A brief review of that fat little notebook reminded me to trust that the answer to my request is always affirmative. When I was having the financial struggles at the center I jumped ship rather than practice patience. Intellectually, I decided that what I was doing was for ego rather than God; years later I see that it was ego fighting for its own life. The way I now distinguish between God's voice and egos is to see which one calls for my highest and best self? Which one requires a gentle stretch?

Sitting back and allowing or trusting Spirit to do what Spirit does isn't easy. Trusting God to send the people and experiences into my life to grow me into the person who will be ready or a match for what I desire is an act of faith. When the time is ripe there is no struggle, your desires will come together like clockworks.

Lessons on Loving

2010-07-30T11:26:00.000-04:00

Last week I had a wonderful couple on the show. I went to college with Levett and had the honor of meeting his wife Pia for the first time on the show.

I love the way love looks with the eyes of adoration, its not something you can rehearse. I loved the interview and the beauty of the book. I hope you get a chance to check it out. I wish you love.

Finding Sandra

2010-07-12T11:12:00.002-04:00

Years ago I was trying to figure out why I wasn't achieving what I knew in my heart I was capable of. I made a list of people that I knew, made a few exploratory calls and had conversations about "my situation," no one seemed to think that my failure to achieve my goals was a problem of ability but of timing. I didn't know how to get "unstuck" as I called it so I sought professional help. I made of list of all my talents, my desires and dreams, knowing that it was within my power to achieve them all, and headed down to the clinic. I waited quite a while not having an appointment. I would have to be seen, I was told, after or in between the appointments of others. The intake process included an interview to assess the problem and its severity. From there my case would then be discussed within the counselor's weekly review meeting to set up a plan of action. I would bet assigned to a counselor after which a date would be set for me to begin therapy. They warned me that this could take up to six months to be completed.

Therapy

My list and self assessment may have contributed to therapy sessions starting almost immediately. A counselor, Shaun Johnson, who was "sitting in" on the intake because he was just starting wanted my case. After several months of showing up and talking nonstop for an hour each week I asked if he had figured out what my issue was, why was I not achieving my goals? At the end of the session he said rather clinically "I think you suffer from cognitive dissonance let's talk about it next week." I went home pulled out books, got online and researched everything I could on cognitive dissonance which for me proved to be an elusive little bugger. It's when your ideal self and actual self don't match up, I know that is an over simplification but it works. What I needed to know was why not. One example was I have always wanted to write a book I read and wrote constantly but I was always my own worst critic. Either I wouldn't finish the book or I would feel awkward at having someone read or edit what I had written.

I wanted to understand why so I could get beyond it. Now having been diagnosed I could try to bring this distortion into alignment which is in itself a process. Shaun left moving to New Orleans prior to hurricane Katrina and we never worked through my issues. Was I not living in my own head or overly concerned with the opinions of others? Honestly I still struggle with it today. I still I hear my girlfriend's comments and tone it down when I'm getting dressed.

Finding Me

The challenge it seems is to live out my truth in the moment, without apologizing. Rather than getting distracted by arbitrary circumstance just do it. So what if I get the urge to write at 4 am or 8 pm I can actually do it rather than think about the appropriateness of the moment. I am absolutely guilty of at times being more concerned about others feelings than my own. That concern while many of us believe it to be normal and appropriate can have us marching to the beat of another person's drum rather than our own. Making constant modifications that leave us flying half staff and feeling grossly unfulfilled.

I have talked for years about our inherent uniqueness and the obligation that we have to live out the truth for which we were created to live. Often that means that someone will not like what I have to say, but my or your speaking up is necessary to move us both forward. My friends have an absolute right to make whatever comments they choose and I have an absolute right to hear them and disregard their opinion if I so choose. Overtime, if one is not careful, other people's opinions and criticism can chip away at one's perception of self to the point that we lose touch with our own truth.

Many of us have our own personal constitution that may or may not fit in with those around us. It is therefore necessary to find ways to celebrate who we are naturally. I always find it interesting to see the little girls who are girly with purses and dresses and those that are tom boys. As children our personalities come to the surface and are there defiantly. As adults the same is true but we often surround ourselves with opinionated others that sometimes cause a pause in our thinking to consider new information.

As I was typing this I heard my neighbor make his usual comment about turning left to enter your place of residence. Some are tempted to drive around the block and come back from the right just to avoid hearing his protest. Our opinions have to override the opinions of those around us or we'll get lost energetically. We have to surround ourselves with a variety of friends who either affirm us or with whom we have common interest. It is great to have friends who love to party as long as you also have those that will attend an opera or yoga class with you if you so choose. People don't usurp your individuality, we relinquish it to fit in and then wonder why we're feeling scattered and off center. We have to learn how to set effective boundaries so that we don't lose ourselves in others.

So make a list of what you love to do, places you love to go, values you hold dear and commit to speaking up when you feel moved to do so. In other words be true to you. May the force be with you.

In Memory of Eugene A. White

2010-07-06T17:42:00.001-04:00

I went to the funeral of a dear friend today. I made the 30 minute drive to pay tribute to a man I adored. When I arrived the audience was full of people who also adored him and shared much of the same experience that I had. His son commented that everyone has a "Dr. White story," it was true and most of them were funny.

His obituary was filled with his many accomplishments he was complex yet simple. When we originally met he told me he was an atheist recognizing himself as the "got damn cause" of everything that happened in his life. This spawned many wonderful conversations that went on for years. One day he finally announced himself a Buddhist and threatened to dawn a loin cloth and parade the streets to talk about causality. His generous spirit will be missed. I am honored to call him a friend. I share here his list of guiding principles listed in his obituary.

White's Dozen

Everybody is a minority of one.
Every group is a lie (from Kierkegaard), every hog thinks his own sty is the nastiest. (his Mother)
I am more than a noun or adjective; I am a verb. Any relevant label for me must relate to my actions and not my adjectivized noun-ness.
I am not an effect, but rather a cause. I am responsible for my goals and my actions to achieve those goals, as well as for the consequences of my actions or inactions.
Thought is not so much the result of experience as experience is the result of thought.
One indispensable part of being a verb, i.e., of "doing," is that I ask. That facilitates my interaction with other verbs.
The world outside, from my point of view, is not under my control, is not rational, and is not sane. The world inside, however, is mine to control; it is indeed my kingdom.
"In the beginning was the word" and the word is not to be trusted.
My skin and hair have little, if anything, to do with what I am. They have more to do, however, with what others may think of me before they meet me. They also have much to do with my commitment to truth and justice, my love of wisdom, and my sense of humor. Those who look for me will find me inside my skin and hair.
Prejudice is the ability of some to know me without asking me. Some blacks are guilty of that also, as they insist that if I do not think or talk or act in certain ways, I cannot be black. I am a homo sapiens.
My six best friends are named who, what, where, how, when and why. (credit to Rudyard Kipling)
My seven rules of life are:
1. I shall act today.
2. I will perfect myself.
3. I will ask for nothing.
4. I will give generously.
5. I will receive gratefully.
6. I will not pretend.
7. I will blame no one.
  (Credit to Seven Rules, A.W. Robertson. Gloxinia Press. 1960)

Book of Sandra ~ The Shoot

2010-06-10T11:06:00.002-04:00

"You airbrushed my face?"

A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words

I recently had a friend come down to the studio and take some pictures of me on my set. He is a professional photographer and always being innovative with his work. I love the way he looks at the works of famous photographers and figures out what they do and then immolates it. I have had him take pictures of me where he used shadows like in the photo I used above and on all my work. In that picture he added shadow for effect.

This time around he wanted to do some alter ego shots on my set. He came in set up his own lights in an already well lit studio and quickly took a few shots in 2 different outfits he seemed pressed for time and then left.

When he dropped off the pictures yesterday I was quite surprised. I loved the effect he was trying to produce but what I noticed most immediately was my missing nose. I said "you airbrushed my face?" He said "no, no, no I simply took out the shadows and got rid of the hot spots." So really my nose is the same he explained but taking away the shadow and the shine makes it look like that.

Shadow Side

I woke this morning with that idea on my mind. We try so hard to walk the middle path our lives to avoid the excesses; stirring clear of the darkness but yet not walking to close to the light for fear that either will consume us. That picture made me realized that it's both my darkness and the light that makes me who I am, to deny either is to deny what makes me me. I have learned to love and accept me as I am for who I am.

Book of Sandra ~ Now

2010-06-02T15:07:00.001-04:00

Life is awesome. To live in the present is to recognize each moment as a gift that only comes once and when gone it never comes again. Time is described like an unrelenting tide that stops for nothing cutting a path and leaving those that are unprepared or unyielding in its wake. Ready or not here it is now.

To live in the moment requires that we be consciously present and willing is nice too. When I'm in the moment I'm more open and aware of spiritual guidance. I'm prompted to make a call to a friend that I haven't talked to in a while, or go to a coffee house where another old friend shows up. A song on the radio, a book, a television show or any old little thing that triggers some thought and viola wonderful happens.

I love reminding people that miracles happen all the time when we're open to receive. The trouble is that we either block it or ignore it. We get complacent or lazy. I've done it too. Opting to passively watch rather than engage. What I've schedule for tomorrow remains in my tomorrows that never comes and I fall prey to the law of diminishing intent.

Carpe Diem

I was over a friend's house years ago, we were in our twenties. We had decided to go for a leisurely walk around her neighborhood; we use to do that all the time (I wonder why we stopped). On this particular day this older woman was solemnly watering her lawn, as we approached, she turned off her hose and said to us, if you have something you want to do, do it now don't wait. She said she and her husband had sacrificed and saved planning to travel when they both retired. She got this blank distant look in her eyes and then said "he went and died on me six months before retirement." She turned her hose back on. I remember getting caught up on her anger; she made it sound as if it was something he did to her purposefully. She was angry at him for something he had no control over. In the moment the message was overshadowed by her grief.

To be honest we have been a bit critical of those among us that seek immediate gratification, saying that we have to work for what we want and be patient. We know too that tomorrow is not promised and none of us gets a do over. So what are we waiting for? Retirement, a rainy day or what? How often do you say tomorrow?

In a church service one day I listened as the minister talked about a friend who had asked her to will a $1,200 bottle of wine to her. The minister had been saving the bottle for a special occasion. When we're looking for something special nothing seems to be special enough to open a bottle that was already paid for.

Something similar happened to me. I bought a can of lump crab meat that was on sale and didn't want to eat it alone so I kept waiting to open it. I'd had friends over for dinner but nothing seemed special enough for me to open the crab. I grilled or made salads but had not opened my crab. Finally after saving it for 6 months I decided I'd better just make some crab cakes anyway. As soon as I pierced the can the smell of my precious crab hit my nose. I wasted $20 waiting for something special rather than realizing that if I used any of the other opportunities to make the crab cakes that would have created the specialness.

I know it doesn't seem like much but many of us squander away opportunities waiting for something to happen rather than making the moment special. We each have the power to bring specialness to any situation. So go ahead and put on that dress, lingerie, shoes, suit or cologne. Splurge on every meal that you have time to enjoy; you never know when it'll be your last. Come to every moment with your entire being and reach deeply it maybe your last chance. The only moment is now so seize it! Carpe Diem!

Book of Sandra ~ Go Strong or Go Home

2010-05-26T15:12:00.004-04:00

Chapter 13

So I have been fighting writing this week. I know when you come to the page you have to be in a position to be honest and share what you really feel. I have not been in that place because while I want to share my insights I'm ambivalent, you never know who's reading this. However as I write this two things come to mind. The first is that to not share what I think, my truth is to stand in the way of someone else's growth. Truth is relative so it's one person's perspective and even that can be a hard pill to swallow. I owe it to myself and them and myself to share it. The second part of that I have to set up.

I had a speaking engagement set up for this past week, it was kind of last minute but sometimes those are the best kind. I had a full schedule so I was squeezing in prep time. I kept trying to get a feel for what I was going to talk about but nothing concrete was coming. Normally I pray about it and in meditation I'll get excited about a subject and then start to develop a skeleton. I try not to fill in all the details that is spirit's part. Anyway, I was getting glimmers of a message but nothing complete like I normally do.

The Science of Mind: 50th Anniversary Edition

The Request

In my meditation that morning I asked for clarity, was what I had prepared on point? I got the sensation that I should do one on my message hunts. I have a box of 200+ Science of Mind and Unity magazines, when I want a message I choose one blindly and then open it to a page and where my eyes land I read. So the second part of my reasoning is the message I got. It was from Herman Melville and simply said. . ."woe to the one who aims to please rather than appall," I was blown away. How much clearer could a message get? I got the image of Jesus going into the temple and turning over the tables of money changers and admonishing the leadership. Was I up to the task?

The energy I felt from that group was weak and confused. Not what I expected at all. I'm big on feeling energy it gives a clear indication on leadership and the trajectory of my talk. I stood up on high and was going to get these people excited and vibrating higher than they were when I walked in if I had to lay hands on them myself. I talked and quoted and reminded them of what they should already know. Reaching back to the basics always gets a reaction out of people. I got one or two resonant stares but not enough. So I kept talking and finally when I had worked myself up into my frenzy I sat down. The music played and then the guy who is the spiritual leader of the center stood up and apologized saying a few nice things then something like growth hurts – stretching is uncomfortable.

Insight

We talked after service and he said he wasn't apologizing for me but that people get bent out of shape when someone tries to get them to stretch. He talked about pleasing his board and I reminded him of the quote that I allowed to guide me. Spiritual audacity is the term I used in my talk. We have to have the audacity to see God everywhere. We have to have the audacity to believe in miracles and guidance and to follow that where it may lead. To talk about what is right rather than popular, if that is not what church is for then what is the point? There must be a moral authority based on teachings and principles and not on the collection plate. It is the responsibility of leadership to lead and not follow.

I'm thankful for the lesson.

Book of Sandra ~ Power of No

2010-05-19T12:51:00.002-04:00

Chapter 11

I heard her say; "I keep meeting knuckleheads," meeting them or attracting them is not the problem. The problem is you knew he was a knucklehead and gave them your number or your goodies anyway.

I just wrote a blog on saying yes. I firmly believe that we have to be open to life to experience more of it. But the other day I ran into an old acquaintance. I never thought of him as a friend, he always struck me as being duplicitous and quite sleazy. I knew he was attracted to me, he seem to have all the trappings nice car & house but he had that yuck factor and for me that can't be overcome with material stuff. I was my normal winsome self went over to greet and hug him hello. We chatted for a few minutes and then came that awkward quasi-question that seems a natural progression to these chance encounters: "Let me get your number."

When we're young we have to be taught to be considerate of others feelings. My nephew, a 10 year old said to a grown man "hey you're short, I'm gonna be eating off the top of your head in a minute." It may be true but it was not even remotely cute or necessary to say. We can be considerate of others without being inconsiderate to ourselves. I know it sounds like that old saying: disagree without being disagreeable, it's the same sentiment.

Personal Value

At a certain point in our lives we begin to value our own piece of mind. Now, I care more about what I think of myself than what you think about me. My ego use to get caught up on other people's opinions but I learned what's good for my ego is often detrimental to me. How would I know what I think, if all I care about is what you think? That's abdicating personal authority to another. My real power is in my ability to choose and own my choices. Pandering to the opinions and desires of others makes you a dependent, cut that umbilical cord and stand up.

We all get lost or confused at times, we have our peak and valley experiences. If we back up a bit we can normally recognize which one we're in. Sometimes our friends point it out. I'm quick to say to a friend "you must be depressed." How we feel about ourselves shows up in the choices we make or fail to make. Our self caring suffers. I heard her say; "I keep meeting knuckleheads," meeting them or attracting them is not the problem. The problem is you knew he was a knucklehead and gave them your number or your goodies anyway. When we feel good we feel empowered to make healthy choices. When you're feeling bad, you don't always know it, but you will show it so sometimes the only option is to try to do no harm. Invoke your power to say NO!

Choose Again

Recently, I had to do a reevaluation of my life; what is important to me and what feels good. I had to find my center because I was in a fog. I knew that there was a bigger me out there, I remembered her, she wasn't just a dream I had she was my old self and I was somehow lost. I knew if I stayed on the road I was on I would keep drowning out her beacon call. I had to stop, distinguish her voice and once I tuned into her make an immediate course change before I lost her again. We all get lost from time to time we look up and find ourselves doing things we never would have done in the past. It's like the prodigal son who came to himself and said in my Father's house even the servants live better than this.

If that happens or has happened to you forgive yourself. We have to go through it to grow through it. Clinically it's called depression; none of us want to claim that so we call it midlife crises, bad marriage or almost anything else. Whatever you call it come to a full stop and like in the mall mark your spot, you are here "X" now. Why are you here, what brought you to this point? Get the lesson and then set a course for either your old home or a new one.

Engage

Now that you've determined where you need to go don't do any more damage by continuing to allow your current circumstances to dictate your future aspiration. Cut the cord and don't breathe or feed through it again. We have been so accustomed to living in our pain that we often cling to things that cause us more pain. Get clear on your destination and begin again. Know that your power lies in your ability to make better choices more aligned with where you are headed than where you have been. That's where you have to use the power of NO. No you're not going there. No you can't call me or even get my number. Consciously claim your newness through the power of NO.

Book of Sandra ~ Say Yes

2010-05-17T12:28:00.003-04:00

A question has a tangible feel, just like a yes or no does. I feel an answer often before I ask the question. I fancy myself as somewhat intuitive, even took classes and have read books for develop and hone the skills necessary to develop the ability. It's really a thrill when I hear spirit speak or when the air gets pregnant like something important is about to happen. I can tap into someone's energy and feel their thoughts or have seen impressions that tell me what direction to take. I have often been tapped to answer someone's prayer, that could be as simple as telling someone help is on the way. As wonderful as that maybe at times it can be a curse as well.

The problem is that I can feel a person's ambiguity and react to what they feel rather than to what they say. To me it seems that my personal integrity is stake if I knowingly push a person to do something that I think is against their will.

I can't tell you how often I've done things that were the opposite of what I thought or felt in my heart. I have purchased cars against my better judgment, gone out on dates, and done countless other things that went against my better judgment and been blessed beyond my wildest expectations. Could you see turning down clients not because of what they say but because of what they think or what you think they think?

Stay in your own head

What you think is none of my business. I am constantly put in position where if I want to grow I have to do things that I would normally not do. Growth happens just outside of my comfort zone. I can't grow by doing only the things that are familiar or comfortable. My impression of what you are thinking, your hesitation, may be dead on but that should not be my concern. I have to let you do you and I do me.

The Flow

I can't tell you how often I pray for something and it happens so fast it just can't be right. When I am in the flow things just happen to which I have to say yes. Today might be the day that someone is supposes to say yes to you, but them giving you consent or the "go ahead" requires that you ask the question. If you don't ask nothing happens, you abort our own possibilities by not asking or blocking the flow.

Sometimes all you really have to do is say yes to the process. Anything is possible.

Book of Sandra ~ Awed by God

2010-05-17T11:59:00.002-04:00

Chapter 10

We are all part of this vast matrix that I call God. Most of us like to think of God as a being that sits up high and looks down low. But viewed more correctly God is everywhere and in everything, not just in it, but is It as well. God is the source and substance of everything; we are literally made up of God. Unfortunately, we know this only to the degree that we are open to knowing it.

Authority Problem

A Course in Miracles said that we have an authority problem. We think that we authored God rather than God authoring us. As a result we think that what is true for us is true for God. Making God in our image we've created a God that is judgmental, unforgiving, non-accepting, and stingy. We can't perceive of a God that does not judge us because we judge ourselves and each other. We find it hard to accept that we are forgiven and accepted as we are because we have a difficult time forgiving and accepting. We think God is like us rather than aspiring to love as God loves or should I say Jesus? Most believe that Jesus smoothed out God's edgy ways; he took our lickin' so we can keep on ticking. He reconciled man to God by interceding on our behalf.

The Dare

Joseph Campbell in The Power of Myth talked about this in St Paul's letter to church which we have taken as scripture. He quoted, "For God has consigned all men to disobedience, that he may sow his mercy to all." Campbell goes on to say "You cannot be so disobedient that God's mercy will not be able to follow you, so give him a chance. "Sin bravely," he said Luther said, and see how much of God's mercy you can invoke. The great sinner is the great awakener of God to compassion." Mother Theresa said that "God loves a sinner," after a brief pause she added, "They tend to be more interesting people." We all need to awaken to a level of compassion for one another.

You have been blessed with intelligent freewill it is an attribute of God that He instilled in each of us. To be in the image and likeness means that we have the same abilities to make choices. God does not violate your ability to choose because She does not contradict Herself. But you are admonished to make your choices wisely because you are not punished for your sins but rather by them, karmic law says you get what you give in direct proportion.

We have placed God in the box of our understanding for far too long, we pretend as if we know what is unknowable. Once you think you know, know that It is beyond that, and beyond even that. Limiting your perception of God, limits your experience of God make room for transcendence. Expect to be awed.

This Week on Thrive

2010-05-16T00:20:00.002-04:00

I had a great show the other day, I love when I have a guest that comes in and is really open to digging deep to have a good interview. Richelle Taylor wrote a book called "Discovering Who You Really Are." I'm excited about her sharing her journey about self discovery as a Black lesbian who journeys within and starts a wonderful love affair with herself. Check it out and I'll give an update when I read a bit further.

Book of Sandra ~ The Proposal

2010-05-15T23:21:00.002-04:00

The Trigger

I read a posting the other day about a young woman who had been offered $6,000 to marry a foreigner so that he could stay in this country, you know get his visa extended and eventually get a green card. She posted it for a friend who was trying to decide whether to take the proposal or not. Quite a few people responded to the posting but I was surprised by the reasoning.

Let's set aside the fact that our country is at war and there are people trying to come here some with ill intentions. Those we like to believe are few and far between. There are many people who would love to come to this country in hopes of building a better life. I find no fault in the desire to expand one's horizons.

I have met and dated foreign born men frequently both here in this country and when I attended a school for foreigners in Siena Italy. To be courted by men of different cultures is truly an interesting experience but that's not what we're talking about here. In the example shared there is a woman who is the mother of five children who is attending college and having some financially difficulties. She was approached by a foreigner with the aforementioned proposal.

Most of the postings complained about the amount of money being offered by this man to marry this family. Here's my problem. I find it offensive to think that this woman he is willing to marry is not worth dating or wooing. Not to sound condescending but how difficult can it be to actually date a woman who is having financial difficulties and five children, help me out. Sure it takes time, can be extremely frustrating and but so too can marriage. Court her and her children pay a bill, fix a bicycle, buy some McDonald's and rent a DVD on occasion and show that you can get with her program. Then the she and the kids may say let's do this because they see the benefit of having this man around, not because of $6,000 that is likely to be gone by the end of the first month. How insulting!

The Request

Here's what he is asking instead; I need you to live a lie with me for at least two years. We'll have to lie to the kids and make them believe that we're in a relationship because heaven forbid they give us away. Can you imagine INS interviewing the children only to be told by the talkative one that "oh he comes by and takes pictures of everything so he can pass the quiz." You'll have to lie to all your family and friends so they won't give you away because INS investigates these things. You might as well sign your kids up for the "my mommy's a liar club so I don't respect her club."

Life Lessons

I find the archetypes that Jung talks about fascinating, he says that we all have to grow through these life lessons. Most don't realize that life deals us a series of archetypal events so that we can consciously choose who we desire to be. So do we step up, step down or lay down? There is the Prostitute that deals with the sale or negotiation of your integrity or your spirit. We all have a price but whom or what dictates your price? Add to that the fact that she's a mother and therefore a package deal what's the family worth. There are always consequences to our actions, you guys, we need to shift this paradigm.

We are in the midst of a crisis of consciousness; we are failing our youth. If we don't make the shift soon all of our instinctive humanity will be sucked away. I know it probably sounds a tad bit dramatic but don't you think we ought to get a little dramatic? It's preferable to the continuing complacency that has plagued our community. The thought I had was of us drowning in shallow waters but on Mary Hartman (was it?) somebody drowned in a bowl of soup, are we going out like that? Are we still as adults dumbing-down so the irreverent loud mouths feel comfortable to set the tone? We rejected "moral values" for being too stoic for our casual society. We disengaged from family values when the Presidential candidate turned joke Dan Quayle started talking about it. So now where are we?

About Face

What's needed is not a new catch phrase or committee to reestablish human/self worth, its individual commitment to our future. This revolution of values must protect our freedom without diminishing our spirit. There is nothing but a lack of vision to prevent us from reordering our priorities. We must not allow small hearted, short sighted misguided people to drag us down this dark corridor of self hatred and spiritual bankruptcy. In our arrogance we think that we have chosen this path and protect it as if cutthroat individualism is the goal.

We need to have an all-out sustained effort to do an about face. We have to learn to love our neighbors as ourselves. Self love dictates that we treat ourselves as if we recognize our own inherent value and do what is good and nurturing. We treat others with that same value and respect as well. I love the quote from A Course in Miracles that says:

"When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him, you will see yourself. As you treat him, you will treat yourself. As you think of him you will think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself."

We are all connected and together we shall rise or fall, the responsibility for that is each of ours. We are affected by what others say and think and should therefore recognize that others are affected by your choice to step up or lay down. Do you have the spiritual fortitude to offset negativity? If not, make commitment to your own healing and maturation. Figure out what it means to love you and do that. What does it mean to protect yourself and do that. Once you do it for yourself doing it for another will be easier.

Let's get busy.

Book of Sandra - Take Aim

2010-05-12T13:35:00.002-04:00

A Work in Progress

This may not make a lot of sense to you but it does to me. I'm working on me and my ability to express what I have in my head. When I'm up on stage I have no problem talking. I can see faces and grasp when others are getting it and when they are not. On the page I realize that working to get something on this screen and press the publish button.

I want to be able to take an idea and write as much as I can as clearly as I can before moving on to the next point. As I do this blog hopefully I'm getting better at explaining things. I'm breathing new life back into my vocabulary and taking the thoughts that I have and stretching them out for your consideration and mine. If you're reading this thank you, if you ask me questions or make comments that would help.

I just posted a blog on effects. So let me tell you a quick little story. I was on radio for 12 years and had a call in show. The station wasn't that sophisticated so rather than have an 8 - 12 second delay where they could edit or beep out unsuitable stuff, it just went right out on air. To make matters worse because my show was late in the evening I didn't always have a tech in the booth to answer the phone line and screen the calls. I often answered a ringing line with "hello you're on the air." Yes, a disaster waiting to happen.

Gloria the Grim Reaper

Anyway one day I got a call from Gloria, she called periodically to other shows I'd heard her before and thought she had a pretty dark personality. She introduced herself and asked "are you going to hang up on me?" "No Gloria, I'm not going to hang up on you. What's on your mind?" Gloria proceeded to criticize me and my show, she couldn't understand why they let me on the air, called me a liar and told me I was "so heavenly minded I was no earthly good." I let her talk about me and when she was done I thanked her for the call and hung up. I hadn't argued, debated, or showed any resistance I just listened & prayed "God help me determine what's helpful here and what is her trying to be hurtful." I wanted to hear.

When I finally hung up I felt like I was grappling for words, I tried to pick up where I'd left off but I felt I was still flopping in the wind. Then the calls started to come in, listeners reassuring me that she was just some spinster looking to get a rise out of me. Every caller until my show ended and afterward called to say how much they loved and appreciated my show. Her words still haunt me to this day but they don't stop me from talking.

Months later she did the same thing to another host, I really should have called Stephonia after it happened but I didn't she had a good support system, I thought. The next week I listened purposefully to see if she was going to say anything about Gloria's call but there was a guest host on. The following two weeks she had guest host and she never came back on air at that station again. For some reason criticism seems to have more of an impact on people than praise does. We carry with us the judgments that people make. They lay seemingly dormant in the back of our minds and can trigger defensive reactions if we're not conscious of them.

Fingerprints

Every event has a fingerprint. If you were held back a grade in school you always feel secretly inadequate and over compensate today. There are incidents that you will always remember and that will affect your current reactions no matter how trivial it may seem. Some people never get over being chosen last. Forgiveness is key to letting go or at least loosening the grip that the past has on your present. I hope Gloria continued to listen to my show so she's not angry anymore. God bless our teachers in whatever form they show up in. amen

Book of Sandra

2010-05-12T12:49:00.002-04:00

Chapter 9 ~ Blind Sided

Have you watched The Blind Side with Sandra Bullock? I've enjoyed her as an actress and appreciated the strong mother archetype she played in the movie it was heartening. This movie illustrated and reminded us of the complexity of persona. Who we are today is a summation of all that has happened before; our past experiences color how we see ourselves and the world.

The Blind Side was about a teenager whose mother was a drug addict, his father whom he didn't recall meeting had committed suicide by jumping off a bridge. He'd been snatched from his mother and put into foster care, lost contact with his siblings, and was eventually homeless until taken in by Sandra Bullock and her family. That family helped him get his life together and the family was blessed in the process too.

We'd like to think that as we move forward in life that our past falls away with each new step we take never to be heard from again. I've heard rap lyrics that say "it's not where you're from it's where you're at" that matters, put more accurately it's both.

Tabula Rasa

We come into this world hopefully as blank tablets, if you've ever watched a baby you know they come with their own little personalities and dispositions unique to them. As they develop their family and environment effects who they will become. We are in a constant state of becoming. Every second of our lives is recorded in our energy and impacts the next moment as we move forward. We have a tendency to think that only the big things have resonance but it is the small seemingly mundane instances too.

A friend of mine said that she wished that people would talk about the people who weren't adversely affected by their trauma. I said to her "there is no such thing as trauma without affects." We have those that are in denial and those that are aware, but everything has a fingerprint. Call it what you like side effects, issues, residuals, idiosyncrasies, behaviors or any host of other coping mechanisms. I explained to her how I thought I was fine and dealing well with my having been raped. So much so that I got a job working for the local rape crisis center and went out talking about it. It dawned on me one day as I listened to the other women that I did a lot of what other victims do, my not acknowledging it didn't change anything. I needed to heal so that I could make conscious choices so I got into therapy.

Side Effects

Reactions to the events of our lives vary from person to person and can be much more pronounced in some more so than others. Suicide or cutting is on one extreme and projected at oneself on the other end is withdrawal and passive aggressive behaviors. How we respond depends on many factors like age, duration, relationship, personality and so much more. We grow up in houses with parents that fall anywhere between being holy rollers and strict to having parents that lie, cheat, steal and fight. We carry the effects of those behaviors as well.

We are each a culmination of our past experiences. We tote our past along with us where ever we go. You can choose to be conscious or aware of your issues and what triggers a reaction or you can choose to stay unaware. Being conscious is a much more powerful space to be in because at least you know why you do or think what you do and make a choice to choose again. Remember you're not alone you're not the first to experience whatever has happened in your life. Do a search to find out how others cope or get professional help.

I'd like to hear from you, what has happened in your life that had an adverse effect? How does it affect you today?

Book of Sandra

2010-05-10T14:18:00.002-04:00

Chapter 8

I had told my sister on Saturday that I was not going back out of the house until Monday unless somebody comes to pick me up. It was ugly outside and I just wanted to hang out with some movies and sip on tea. As I was sitting there writing I got the sudden urge to take a shower and get cute. So I popped into the shower and started doing my hair because I was might have some company. While I was in the process the phone rang and a friend of mine insisting that I go to a basketball watch party.

I try my best to be obedient when I get an impulses, its how we develop our intuitive ability. When you can be trusted to follow the guidance of spirit you get more guidance. I said yes because I knew I was suppose to go, this while seemingly insignificant was the reason for my getting cute. He picked me up moments later because I still was not trying to drive and we made our way out to her home.

The exit ramp was pretty long and we were riding behind a van that had 3 or 4 bumper stickers. The one that caught my eye said "God doesn't believe in Atheists." I rejected the idea almost immediately but said nothing to my friend. We were discussing where the nearest KFC was to grab some chicken. He broached the subject.

He asked "did you know that Paul was an Atheist?" Paul was a mutual friend that often showed up at these gathering. "Yep," I said simply noting the incredulous tone in his voice. "I can't believe that" he said "he seems adamant, talking about if there was a God why would he let all this horrific stuff happen without intervention. I can't believe you knew and didn't say anything." "What difference does it make?" I asked him. He seemed shocked but let it go there only to bring it back up during a commercial break in the game.

All of us were friends and though we gather pretty often, religion is not normally a topic of conversation. They tossed around the difference between an Atheist and an agnostic trying to figure out which category Paul would fall into. Again I asked why does it matter? We discussed many ideas.

Knowledge of or belief in God does not mean that a person is necessarily a good person. Our churches are filled with unjust people. There are plenty of good people doing good things that don't know God. That concept did not compute for them. I said that we view the world from our own limited perception that the world had people that were not exposed to the bible and yet worked in harmony with others and nature too. How pervasive was the Judea/Christian teaching and was it the only possibility? Joseph Campbell talks about other creation stories and how religion comes out of our experience in The Power of Myth. How can we not factor in other cultures? They asked if I believed in God, which to me sounded absurd. Of course I believe in God but not one that exist in the box of my understanding.

I mentioned that when Jesus was asked what was the greatest commandment? Jesus said that to love God with all your heart and soul and the second is "like it" to love thy neighbor as thyself. Because we demonstrate our love for God by how we act towards one another, you can't love God and not man. There are plenty of people who love and demonstrate that love that don't believe in God. There are none believers whose works fall in line with the teachings of Jesus far better than those proclaim that belief. Judge a man by his works or a tree by the fruit it bears. Our friend Paul may claim not to believe in God yet he does the work of God.

There was one line in the Stephen King movie "The Stand" that summed it up beautiful. When the old was told by the deaf/mute that he didn't believe in God, she laughed about the absurdity of that statement and said to him. "Aw baby that don't matter God believes in you." That should be enough.

Book of Sandra

2010-05-08T21:21:00.003-04:00

Chapter 7

Thoughts are powerful. This is one of my favorite poems:

I hold it true that thoughts are things;
They're endowed with bodies and breath and wings;
And that we send them forth to fill
The world with good results, or ill.
That which we call our secret thought
Speeds forth to earth's remotest spot,
Leaving its blessings or its woes
Like tracks behind it as it goes.
We build our future thought by thought,
For good or ill, yet know it not.
Yet, so the universe was wrought.
Thought is another name for fate;
Choose, then, thy destiny and wait,
For love brings love and hate brings hate.

-- Henry Van Dyke

It seems that some of us are catching on and becoming consciously aware of the power of our thoughts. New books come out all the time touting that old knowledge suddenly became new. It tells us that our thoughts create our reality in different ways than we heard it before but it is far from new.

Everything your eyes see was once a thought in some one's mind so thoughts create
- Thoughts transform both our internal mental state and our external experience.
- Thoughts can also be very destructive.
- Thoughts are the first cause of all that is. Let there be is a powerful thought.

Do you control your thoughts or do your thoughts control you? Some believe that they are at the effect of things as if thinking is involuntary as breathing and caused by something outside of ourselves. As if they have no choice in reactions given a certain set of circumstances. A Course in Miracles says that an untrained mind can accomplish nothing. That implication is that we train our minds how to think.

From my own mind I know that I can condition my mind to see as I choose to see. The thought that "only love is real" is programming; once entered into any equations it transforms how I perceive events. Through consistent training we change how we see and relate to the world some call it brainwashing but when you are the architect of your own mind it is simply being in charge of how you perceive your world.

A few years ago the book "The Power of Intention" had people talking differently about how they related to mind activities. Setting intention is the same thing; it is a suggestive thought that changes or transforms experience. Set your intention and your insight is changed regardless of what your eyesight observes. If I believe or hold it as truth in my mind "that only love is real" my mind will search for ways given the current data to see love. "Whatever appears not to be love is a call for love" is a redirect formula that is transformative as well.

Try it. Amos of Famous Amos Cookies says that God always says yes to us. Now set your intention for the next week to recognizing in every moment that God always says yes, it'll change around what you think. You won't have the luxury of criticizing yourself because the moment you do God will agree and make it so. Your thought that you're a screw up is realized and you actually do screw everything up. Change your thought to I am a money magnet and God says yes to that as well. You'll quickly get in touch with all the background noise in your mind that may not fall in line with what you want to experience. If God says yes to me then what I'm experiencing is a matter of mind so let me make sure I'm being diligent about what is in my mind. You are not a victim of your mind unless you choose to be. Be the captain of your ship control your mind.

Book of Sandra

2010-05-05T10:39:00.003-04:00

Chapter 6

Talking bags of mostly water is how we were described on one of Star Trek's early shows but beyond that we are energetic thinking beings. We have life force energy that I also call power. If you've ever watched someone die or touched a corpse you know what I mean. It's as if someone flipped the switch and the power turned off and the energy that animated that life is gone in a flash. It takes energy to hold your head up, move your eyes across a page or swallow. Even in a relaxed state our body's still require energy to function.

We use various words to describe it energy, power, spirit or life force. We have debated for years about the point at which the life force enters our bodies; at first breath or conception. Whatever the case we definitely know when it leaves. The life force seems to indwell our bodies but since I can see auras or the energy that surrounds a person could it be the reverse? We talk about auras in terms of personal space, let someone violate that space and we know it. Here's some observational jibber jabber about energy:

Our eyes transmit energy and whatever we look at we send energy.
- Vietnam Vets say if you don't want to be detected look away, people can feel you staring at them.
- A gaze can send energy either positive or negative by the thought held while looking.
- Here's a question: is vision internal meaning a mental process or an external process dependent on a physical process?
  - Most of my insights come after looking away from a person. I close my eyes and visualize them in mind and can often see much better. I've seen on reflection places on their physical bodies that seem to be comparatively dimmer than other parts of their bodies. Try it, look at someone then close your eyes and see them again, what's different?
Our thoughts transmit energy, we can direct, share, transmit or read with our thoughts.
- All minds are connected we can send and receive messages.
  - Feel when others are thinking about us or sense emotions and distress.
  - Heal by sending positive energy.
  - Read what another is feeling or thinking.
- Some can move objects – I'm still working on this one.
Influence others because energy follows thought so we can send suggestive or instructive thoughts to another.

In Asians countries that talk about Chi energy. We all have it but through studying various forms of martial arts that can strengthen and train their energy developing the ability to move or repulse objects with energy that does not require physical contact. We all have this ability to lesser degrees because we have not trained our energy to do otherwise.

Energy Usage

As humans let's say that we earn a daily allotment of 100 watts of energy from eating, exercising and resting to do with as we choose. We expend 60 - 70 watts of energy in our daily functions like digesting food, muscles control, walking and basic physical functions. When we're young we have energy to burn but as we age we earn less and less watts of energy and may start to run on deficit.

Factor in where our thoughts go energy flows. We give up precious wattage of non-reciprocating energy to watching TV, living in the past, or worrying about things that may never happen. The more emotionally charged our thoughts are the more energy we expend on it so angry resentful thinking cause us to hemorrhage large amounts of energy. When we begin to run on deficit our vital organs begin to suffer because they no longer get what they need to function properly opening us up to sickness and disease.

Energy Vampires

It seems energy is a precious commodity on every level of life. It determines our level of dependence or autonomy, how well we stand up on our own two feet in the world. Naturally men lose energy through sexual ejaculation and women through menstruation, but the other way we lose energy is as a result of energy vampires that try to drain or diminish energy by physically or emotionally attacking another. Verbal and physical abuse is psychologically damaging and can deprive its victims of the energetic potency necessary to function fully. We see this often in a familial group or relationships where the aim is to control another through fear or to diminish the self- worth so you won't stray too far from home. Energy violations can paralyze or cripple the victim but does not leave the perpetrator unscathed either since there is a karmic cost to energy violations.

Forgiveness

Any time we have been victimized for whatever reason by anyone we need to forgive. Spiritually we lose energy when we are damaged; it's like having a tear in the fabric of our lives. If we focus on the tear, let it rule our lives or color our choices, we're sending energy to it so it continues secrete precious energy. Forgiveness acts as a clotting agent that seals and eventually heals the wound. Forgiveness is not easy but all that is necessary is the sincere desire to forgive. The Universe favors order and balance when we are losing energy we are not in balance. A simple request is all that is necessary to begin the process. Dear God I want to forgive this please show me how. If you are willing you will be shown the way.

Our level of personal potency, self-esteem, dignity and how we relate to others are influenced by the energy or lack thereof. The energy of our lives touches and animates everything we do and therefore is deserving of our attention. How are you using energy? Are you losing it or gaining it? What is the quality of your energy is it vibrant and healthy or negative and heavy? How do you make others around you feel energetically? What is the perceived source of your energy? Are you exclusive as in judgmental and competitive? Or inclusive and affirming? These questions will help you determine the quality of energy of your life. Remember energy follows thought so be mindful of what you give your attention.

Book of Sandra

2010-05-01T13:05:00.002-04:00

Chapter 5

I grew up cooking. It was my job to start dinner when I came home from school. My father, a southern man, had to have certain things every day we had a meat, vegetable and cornbread. Nothing was easy either. Meat was usually frozen in our huge mammoth freezer so I had to remember to take it out that morning or get it thawed and cooking ASAP. Vegetables were labor intensive because we rarely used frozen and never canned. I made pinto beans, or black eye peas, or my mother's favorite cabbage. When I was in my early teens my mother would come in and help making mash potatoes and sometimes the cornbread to pull the meal together. We'd sit around the kitchen table everyday and pass food around, until our schedules no longer made it possible.

We'd set the table and after we were all seated we'd say grace. Most of us just said "Jesus wept," and be ready to dig in. My mother & father's prayer was basically the same "thank you for the food I'm about to receive for the nourishment of our bodies for Christ sake Amen." At some point we all had the opportunity to adopt our own prayers, my mother told me to look in the bible and something would speak to me. I decided on "but seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added onto you." I didn't know at that time how that scripture would follow me for life.

The Kingdom

Churches and their messages are so interesting to me these days. From the displays on license plates you would think that being blessed means you're prosperous. Material trappings or "these things" show that you are doing right by God. Implied in that message conversely is if you're struggling you'd better get right with God so you can have the good life too, as if the poor aren't blessed also. Bringing your treasure into the house of the Lord in the form of tithes and offerings are closely monitored by some churches to the point of requiring its members to submit paycheck stubs. You give at your place of worship in order to receive.

From my perspective the message they send is give to receive. So giving becomes an investment. My disagreement with this point is as it relates to intent behind giving. A Course in Miracles says that "the cost of giving is receiving," but receiving is not the goal. In the Old Testament or Jewish they left the chaff so anyone who needed it could take it. Chaff was corner & edge portion of their crops. That's giving.

So what does it mean to seek the Kingdom of God and his righteousness? It's more about how we treat our fellow man than what we do in our churches or synagogues. So what if you give $100 at church on Sunday but can't be bothered to give a single dollar to the homeless man. So what if you spend three hours at church on Sunday but not an hour on Saturday to work in a soup kitchen. We've gotten it so confused acting as if what we do in our churches absolves us from the work needed in our communities.

The real mission of Christianity is in how we treated one another. ACIM says that "many conspire with God that do not know God" Jesus said "that as you do onto the least of these you do also onto me." Our giving only at the church is selfish giving so that we receive, not so that others can receive as well. Others that don't look or act like you or who don't believe like you. Who is the Good Samaritan? The Kingdom is spread out all over the world.

My Point: Love

God is not an ATM machine that if you simply punch in the right prayers and give your 10% that you get back out what you desire, that's not how it works. Life happens without regard for what you do. God is no respecter of persons so you can do everything you think you were suppose to do and your body will still die and may suffer in the process. Ask Jesus, he died on the cross none of us get a free pass. So what really matters is that you make a difference; that you love. You are blessed to be a blessing to others. Are you your brother's keeper?

Book of Sandra

2010-04-30T11:15:00.002-04:00

Chapter 4

Sometimes I can be pretty rigid. I'm not sure where all it came from, I was a rebellious teenager that bucked my parents and the system every chance I got. One of my closest girlfriends joking says that my middle initial stands for Defiance, I am that. I have never believed in just going along to get a long, it always seemed to me that I needed to live my truth whatever that was. For me living my truth is a matter of honor.

You may know that I'm a Trekky, The Next Generation was my show and Jean-Luc Picard and Lt. Worf my guys. I learned a lot about personal integrity, respect, and operating from a set of principles that orders my steps. I've already written my obituary thinking that if I know how I'd like to be remembered, it will direct how I live.

It seems that honor is missing in our society today, at least from my vantage point. There are some many people who live by the seat of their pants so to speak making decisions on the fly and not realizing the greater implications of those decisions. We have people who pander to the crowd going for what gets the reactions rather than what's right. Right is not always popular and we can misread reactions.

Whatever happened to your word being your bond? I confess that as I age my memory is not nearly as good as it use to be, so now I have to compensate by writing things down and sending myself reminders. I remember years ago a man asked me out that I was really attracted to. He asked me to meet him out for coffee and gave me a date and time. It was a week away. He was all that and a bag of chips by my estimation so he really couldn't be attracted to me. On the day of the meeting I kept thinking this is a joke, he's going to stand me up so I didn't go. It was over two years before I saw him again, I heard he had gotten married and was still doing really well. When he saw me he was with his wife but he stopped came over to me and as he hugged me he said "I waited over an hour for you and you never showed."

I didn't want to be that person whose words don't have meaning. Who does not do what she says she'll do. That lacks honor. I want to value your time and attention just I would my own. This is the golden rule; do onto others as you would have them do unto you. It's a matter of respect.

Whatever happened to respect? Where did we get this idea that respect is earned? My actions are based on my prime directive not anyone else's. How I operate comes from my value system and is not subject to change because of who I'm dealing with. When your actions are predicated by the actions of another it is them that is in control and not you. They push your buttons and cause you to react as they choose when that is the case, that makes you a puppet and them the puppeteer. Personal autonomy is necessary to have honor.

Wow, this keeps opening up so much for me. More to come. . . .

Rants & Raves

2010-04-30T09:33:00.003-04:00

I fancy myself an intuitive, I try not to use those skills for anything more than the most mundane stuff like that the telephone is about to ring or who I'm suppose to talk to or what book to read. I am a pretty good so I try to stay present so that I'm aware of when to talk, to whom and what to say. Normally, I don't do readings on other people. When they think I can give them guidance they'll ask me to. Relinquishing your decisions making power dis-empowers you. We're given everything we need to make decisions and live out the consequences of those decisions.

I say this because when I meet people I can usually sense what type of person they are right away. I get sensations like slimy or slick people, positive energy, phony, duplicitous, draining and a plethora of other sensations that you've probably gotten too. The only difference is that I claim my ability and trust it, you may not. That is not to say that I summarily dismiss anyone whose character is questionable it's that I know what to expect already.

I sit in the closet every morning in meditation for at least 30 minutes, most time I lose track of time and sit for an hour. I consider myself linked in but that hasn't gifted me with anything other than being insightful and perhaps charismatic. I know things balls to bones; what I know is sourced only in the download I get in that closet, oh and my dreams. {You know this is one of the reasons people write to see what it is they are thinking and why. I believe that our gifts are given to us to use. There is strength in claiming something but also in using it so maybe I'll think about how I use my intuitive ability.} That was a side point.

Let me tell you why I mention all this. Yesterday I had a meeting with a guy who when I met him I chuckled, he struck me as being slick. He covers that slickness well with his fancy titles and accomplishments. When you armed with foreknowledge of a person it's easy to maneuver, so I don't fret about it, I just keep my wits about it. I'm a social person I like to make connections so hence the meeting. Suffice it to say my suspicion was confirmed. I know you want details but I'm tired of ranting, I'm thinking now and have some other stuff to do. Keep reading I may put some distance between the event and the post and write about it later. Stay tuned.

Book of Sandra

2010-04-29T11:11:00.004-04:00

Chapter 3

I love the way life constantly provides fodder for thought or discussion. Feels like it did when I was doing radio, spirit knew it had a willing mouth piece and therefore gave me people and circumstances to talk about. Now don't get me wrong I'm not the type to get caught up talking about small minded ideas like material possessions or gossiping about people. I like to talk about archetypal themes that each of us have to go through to grow through.

In the introduction of A Course in Miracles (ACIM) it reads

"This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take it is voluntary. . . "

When I first read that I thought what a lofty thought, how would the author ever know that I'd pick up this book? So required for whom? What most of us don't realize is that this life comes with its own curriculum. We're engaged in a course in miracles and cannot do otherwise. All its lessons are lessons that have been undertaken since man became conscious of his ability to choose. The particulars of each lesson vary from person to person but not the aim of it. Lessons are repeated until you get it right.

Integrity

Nathaniel Branden defines integrity as "the integration of ideals, convictions, standards, beliefs – and behavior." To simplify its when your actions are in line with what you say you value. Most of us were raised with values of some type or developed them on our own later by deciding who we want to be in the world. If you value life, honesty, reliability or respect what you do should be in alignment with what you think/value/believe. When you violate your own values, you feel diminished or lose face to in your own eyes.

Personal integrity is one that many of us struggle with because it is so vitally important to not only how others see & feel about us, but more importantly how we see & feel about ourselves. Most of our formative lessons are there to teach us who we are as part of group and then to develop independently of that group. We develop a sense of self, our likes and dislikes as well as our own personal values. Many of us adopt the values of those around us and never consider that those values may no longer fit the person we have become. The group will have you to think that there is only one way of thinking, the right way – their way. One such group "the family" expects that every child born to their group will continue with the same religion, live in the same area, and carry on the same basic family values. As we mature we make decisions as to whether the family values fit with our current values. Sometimes they do and other times they do not.

For example, if you were raised with basic Christian values you learned that sex outside of marriage is wrong. If as an adult you participated in sex outside of marriage, you would be violating a value that you hold and would likely have some type of emotional reaction each time you had sex outside of marriage. Acting against your values is self betrayal and can leave you feeling guilty, dirty or just plain wrong. Violation of your own self trust diminishes self worth, self esteem and causes you to hemorrhage personal power which unchecked could lead to a variety of perverse behaviors. You either have to change your actions or your values to stop the hemorrhaging of energy. When alignment is achieved you can begin to develop and strengthen your self-perception.

Carolyn Myss said "From a spiritual perspective, the entire physical world is nothing more than our classroom, but the challenge to each of us in this classroom is: Given your particular body, environment, and beliefs, will you make choices that enhance your spirit or those that drain your power into the physical illusion around you?

We are constantly presented with challenges that make us demonstrate whether our heads, hearts and actions agree. Something as simple as the clerk giving you the wrong change and how you address it can impact how you see yourselves. Do you act with honor? That information is for you more so than anyone else, you may be the only one who knows, but the results of your decisions shows up and out in your energy field. They determine whether you lose power or strengthen it. More on this in a future post.

Book of Sandra

2010-04-28T11:46:00.002-04:00

Chapter 2

I was always fascinated by the story of Jonah and the whale. The story seemed to suggest that we can't run away from our dreams. You remember the story; God told Jonah to go to this city to perform a particular task. Well Jonah wasn't going and decided to head in another direction, we all do that. Well he got swallowed up by the whale, stayed in the belly of the whale three days before he was spit out on the shore of the city he was suppose to go to in the first place. Now some of you will be upset that I didn't give all the details and metaphysical meaning behind them but those are much less important than the overall theme right here so let's not get stuck.

We don't often do the thing that we feel in our hearts we're motivated to do. Now certainly some believe that God's voice was audible back in biblical days, it was not. God spoke then the same as now, through our dreams, desires, other people, feelings, and a host of other intuitive modalities. Sorry, the sky really didn't open up and there was no rolling thunderous voice saying; "go my child to Brooklyn." God speaks by giving us overwhelming desires or great joy when we hit upon something we are called to do. That's why sex can't be all wrong, but that's another post.

I keep talking about freewill; I'll cover it in more depth at another time. God gave us freewill and will not violate it. Through freewill our right to make choices for our own lives is sacrosanct. Sure we get clues or gentle reminders about what we purposed to do, but the ultimate choice on what we actually do is our own. Now here's the question: upon what do you base your decisions on what you do?

The Choice

When I was much younger I went to church but was unable to totally dedicate myself to God. In my understanding a relationship with God was about denial and deprivation. I thought when I get older and have had all my fun then I'll do it. The preacher would talk about hell and damnation and say that I could die before the day is over so I'd better make a choice today. Unfortunately, we have learned to make a lot of decisions through fear. We live in a culture of fear, but I was willing to chance it.

I share that because many of us don't do the very thing that we most desire to do, the thing that we are called to do because of fear. We work jobs because we have to pay our bills. Rather than working on paying off our bills so we can follow our dream we make more bills. I asked a friend "do you own your house or does your house own you?" She was so much happier living in her apartment with much less to worry about. She was trying to live the American dream and forgot about her own dream. So she has taken one job after another that she hated trying to keep up with the bills from someone else's dream.

Purpose

Money isn't a dream, what it can buy perhaps but what benefit does that have for the world? If you look throughout nature it seems that everything has a purpose. Bees, flies, trees even snow has a purpose. We were each born with a purpose; something that only we can do. When you're not doing your part, playing your role, you're cheating the rest of us. No whale is going to come along and swallow you up but you might get laid off. You might get in a car accident, heaven forbid, that lays you flat on your back so you have time to think about what really matters. To remind you of what you're here to do.

I'm not exempt from the necessity to live out my purpose I'm typing this so I can read it. I get no greater joy than when I'm talking to a group of people sharing ideas. Using my voice, opening my mouth and saying what spirit lays on my heart gives me joy like nothing else. Getting paid to talk is an added bonus. I can see and feel a healing occurring as I speak.

I kept running away because of all that I thought I had to give up without realizing all that I had to gain. No I'm not a goody two shoes, I didn't have to be especially not as others define it. I'm not rolling in money either but I am experiencing a joy like I never felt before. What I do have to do is work on my motives, why am I doing this? What's the motivation? Am I operating out of love or fear? Try following your dream, you may like it. It may not seem smart or prosperous or even safe. Living out of your fear, that's slow torture. Do you get headaches or back aches? Are you sick all the time feeling like your body is breaking down? I'm writing about that now in my book. Allow yourself to be used for a greater purpose, it'll expand you.

The Book of Sandra

2010-04-27T10:40:00.002-04:00

Chapter 1.

I was in Italy doing a study abroad program when I first decided to read the bible from cover to cover. I was miserable there for the first few months. During the 9 hour flight across the ocean I remember thinking that when I arrived in this new place no one would know me so I can be anyone I wanted to be. I thought of all the ways that I would clean up my act. I was going to be a "good" girl whatever that meant. I wouldn't be so sexual, everybody perceived me that way. I'd be sophisticated, worldly and philosophically deep like I'd longed to be, but nobody accepted me as. I was going to recreate me.

For the first few months I was miserable, I felt like an outcast. I was living in a villa with other students that I had little in common with and didn't want to find any commonality. They were far from sophisticated. So I moved out and in with an Italian law student Francesco who didn't speak a word of English. We'd met one day while I was walking down the street with one of the two American women I'd befriended while I was there. They were both older that I and I enjoyed their company.

I had taken quite a few books but their predictable story line sickened me after a while. I sat in bars or cafés after classes socializing and talking politics with other students from all over the world. But late in the evening when I went in for the evening there was nothing to do and many weekends I stayed close to the village where I lived. So I took on the project of reading the bible.

I'd been raised Southern Baptist. Really I don't know why I say "southern" I'm Black and it was a Baptist church. The distinction I want to make is that our church rocked every Sunday. My friends would jokingly say that the whole building pulsated with the choir singing to the top of their lungs. People would stand up clapping, doing the holy dance and getting the spirit. The older ladies would shout, as we called it, spirit would over take them and they'd lose their minds for about 10 minutes or so. Arms waving. Body convulsing. Wigs flying. I'd seen grown men jump off a 6 foot rise and run full speed down the aisle. The only way anyone ever got hurt was in trying to restrain those that had been overcome by spirit. This was a normal Sunday.

The minister started off each sermon reading a passage from the bible and then would expound upon the story. The normal course would be for us to feel conviction, as if he had somehow known our thoughts. Next was the guilt trip about how bad it was that we had ever thought those thoughts. We couldn't hide the all knowing, ever present God knew what was in our hearts and it wasn't good or acceptable so repent now. Lastly was the hope that we could put away our evil ways if we just surrender our will to God and live our lives as directed by Him through His word. Or more simply; be born again through the blood of Jesus. Same storyline every week only the scripture would change.

Now I had no problem with this, this was what I heard from the time I was a baby sitting on my parents lap in church. I had been baptized and born again. I'd always been told what to think and even when I got to college I wore my religion like armor, I would not be changed. They warned me, especially since I'd chosen Philosophy as a major that my beliefs would be attacked. I was a warrior in the army of God.

Fast forward to me being a student in a foreign land who now wanted to further her transformation into the 'good' girl by reading the bible. That was a good thing right? My bible was a rich blue leather bible that had a gold zipper that zipped all the way around. My named had been monogrammed on the front in gold letters my father had given it to me one Christmas. It was the King James Version and the teaching s of Jesus was set apart in read letters. Over the years I'd highlighted, underlined, bookmarked, dog eared and pressed flowers into those pages. Now finally I was going to actually read them all. In the middle column of each page was a reference section to point to other passages and some of the words were italicized to show that there was a discrepancy in direct translation.

In Italy you can't just walk into a bookstore and expect to find English books, not where I was. I decided that if I prayed for meaning it would be revealed, that was what I was taught. So I set out to accomplish the task at hand on my own.

I read "Let us create man in our own image." I was stumped. Who the hell was He talking to? Then the rhetorical question if a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears does it make a sound. Why was God talking if nobody was there to listen? I'd been bamboozled! This was a report, I thought, not the word of God unless whoever He was talking to wrote this stuff. If that was the case there wasn't just one God. I did continue to read but what I came away with was much different than the theology I'd been taught. It was surmised from much prayer and meditation.

I don't report this to claim that I know the truth, it is my truth and not expounded upon here to convince you of anything. These are my writing to share my ideas. If they resonate with you great, if they don't great I'm just sharing because that is what every person in the bible did, shared their insight on God. Call this the book of Sandra. Thanks for reading.

Complaints

2010-01-25T16:56:00.005-05:00

This was in my box as a draft, its been there for months. I'm not editing it read at your own risk, you've been warned. . .

I use to be a complainer. I remember evaluating a person’s feeling toward me by how engaged they became in my distress. Sharing my issue-of-the-day formed a pseudo intimate bond with others in my mind. It gave us common ground and validated my distress and me so it felt good. I perfected my "poor me routine" because people, men in particular, seemed issue oriented and needed to be engaged.

It worked like a charm for a while, that is until I grew up and wanted to stop playing that role. Unfortunately, the price paid for abdicating one’s own power by enlisting the opinions and help of others is high. Personal power like a muscle needs exercise to strengthen and grow. The ability to think for self, to make decisions, to trust those decisions and deal with the consequences builds your power and confidence. Refusing to stand on your own two feet results in muscular atrophy in one or both of the feet.

Personal autonomy is not something that we are taught, on the contrary women are often taught to play dumb around our men so we don’t intimidate them. That’s one of the reasons why men think women change after marriage, because they no longer need to pretend. That’s not to say that men aren't strong or smart enough to know the game, but once the ego is engaged it’s hard to see past the charade. Nor is it to say that all women are being deceptive, that’s not completely true either. Two heads are still better than one when both heads come completely to the table.

Begin here . . . .

2010-01-25T16:49:00.001-05:00

I love to live my life out loud. While doing talk radio I grew accustomed to sharing my thoughts with my audience basically unedited. Of course, I had to keep on point to keep from swinging from one thought to another or name names like I do in my journals but overall I lived my life publicly. I miss that.

I have this button that I bought while I was in college that said “everyone has the right to my opinion.” I happen to like my opinions, most of us like our own. It is unfortunate however when we can no longer distinguish between our own opinions and that that we’ve heard someone else voice, which is more often than not the case.

My online appearances have been scarce lately. One of the books I listened to on CD advised keeping track of where I was spending the bulk of my time, and for two weeks I did. I needed to see if how I allocated my time was congruent with my goals. I found I was spending way too much aimless time online. I needed to manage my life & time better.

So what do I value? I have a value on sharing my thoughts but I spent way too much time jumping from site to site, reading, editing and ultimately deciding what context to share those ideas in or not. So what I decided to do me. No editing, no second-guessing, no jumping from site to site hiding behind cleaver screen names. Sandra Bishop raw and uncensored will just threw my thoughts at the wall and see what sticks, or not.

Hmm Let's see. . .

2009-06-25T16:12:00.002-04:00

I totally amaze myself at times. I am able to listen to others and put my finger on their pulse and diagnose a problem. However, when it is my own problem I can see it but feel unable to do what is necessary to set it back on the right track.

What is that about when you lapse back into old patterns? I know that I can make lasting changes I've done it in the past. But here's my theory. I think that often we try to do things are against our nature, because it seems like a good thing to do. Let's use working out as an example. I can make a list of all the reasons that it is beneficial, I can make a plan stick to that plan for a while but eventually snap back occurs. Back to the same old routine.

Many times we do what we think we ought to do rather than what we want to do. Laziness or complacency sets in and snap back. The guilt trips & self admonishment do little good in setting us back on track. However when you begin to do the things you want to do because you want to do them it seems as though it is smooth sailing all the way.

So here is my dilemma, no is not exercising. I love to write yet I don't on here where I want it to show up consistently. Now if you asked why if I love to write don't I write consistently? I might give you the first answer that presents to my mind. That I'm not writing from my honest space. That's the danger of doing writing or anything else for an audience, it inhibits you. I have to write for me not you. There I said it if I'm writing for you I'm trying to be conscious of what you want to hear or what you expect. How will you interpret what I'm saying?

I'm A Tree

2009-06-01T15:16:00.006-04:00

We were in Seattle for a family reunion and I wanted to go to the famous market to see the salmon toss. My father said to his sister “Sandy doesn’t eat fresh salmon.” I was totally taken aback. I know it’s weird a memory to have but it had me thinking about exposure.

My father made an assumption about my culinary exposure. As a child I lived in a controlled enviroment. Our house, our yard had a fence around it, there was no internet or cable television back then. Up until a certain point in my life my father could say without equivocation what I had and had not been exposed to.

As we mature the things we are exposed increases. I live in Cleveland, Ohio which is part of the United States of America by accident of birth. Being an American holds no significant degree of pride for me. I love it because it is the home that I know. The same can be said for anyone’s home in any country in this world – we are all born where we are born by accident of birth and grow to love that place as home regardless of the culture until we choose differently.

I have traveled to different countries and have learned to appreciate them for how they are different. No thoughts of superiority or inferiority just different. I’ve walked on Egyptian sand it feels the same between my toes as Mexican sand and the United State's sand too. Air is air, sunshine is sunshine all over the world. There are some places I’ve been that if I could just stretch a little bit more I could grab a star, they seem closer. I’ve eaten live mussels in Italy, and swam nude in the Mediterranean Sea with friends I didn’t share a common language with. What we understood was laughter, good food and fun. We found commonality in spite of our geographical origins.

Today we are exposed more than ever to people that don't look, talk or think like us. It seems as if the world is shrinking as avenues of communicating expands. Basically we find that we are still just people, trying to live out what they’ve been told is the truth. We all want desperately to be right. To live in the right/best place, to have the right or chosen religion, to go to the right schools, to marry the right person and do the right thing.

From that gated yard to world citizen I know that my options are limitless. In college I was exposed to the idea of having “universal maxims,” ideas that I apply universally not what is politically expedient, popular or what I can get away with. My ideas or values remain consistent and are deeply rooted and remain unchanged. The basics:

Everyone is good but they might not make good choices all the time.

Everything is sacred and deserves respect.

We’re all God’s children, even when we don’t know it or believe it.

We are each challenged to decide who we are and what we believe and live that consistently. As a nation we decided on a President and many have abdicated the philosophically grappling to him. Others have disengaged as I had during the Bush years unable to reconcile my values with our nation’s practices.

Under this new administration the question of torture arose and President Obama rightly stated that “that is not who we are as a nation,” it does not speak to the values upon which we were founded. Its an age old question: does the end justify the means? If the end is: we get the information, does it matter how we go about getting it? I say yes. If the end is: we get to feed hungry people, does it matter if the food was stolen from others to make it happen? Absolutely. A desirous ending is not justified by unjust means and therefore cannot be used as provocation. Ignoring either personal or collective values repeatedly is spiritually corrosive. America was choking from its own character crisis. We can not escape the consquences of our actions and inactions.

In A Course in Miracles the golden rule stated differently “as you see me you shall see yourself, as you treat me you shall treat yourself” . . .Never forget this because in me (your brother) you will find yourself or lose yourself. That so-called terrorist is your brother, who was doing what he thought was right based on the information he was given. That is not to condone anyone's actions I'm simply trying to point out human faces beyond our exposure.

What do you believe? Introspection:

What are your core values or beliefs? (list top 5)

What informs your choices? (religion, politics, books)

What values do you apply universally and which arbitrarily?

We are always teaching others who we are, what are you demonstrating?

I vow to be like a tree bowed maybe, but unbroken by the winds of change. If you ever find that the winds of your life start to blow and threaten to blow you off balance off center just reach out there are trees everywhere. Be one.

Living Out Loud

2009-04-29T08:40:00.011-04:00

I got it yesterday, my first thank you card for Food for Thought. I use to get them all the time when I was on the radio. Tattered letters that looked like they'd been carried around in someone's purse a while. A woman showing up outside the station or at some speaking event. Then when I opened the center they'd just come there. I was always touched, but most especially by the ones that went out of thier way to say thank you.

Rue was my favorite. Another host had given a forum at the community college. It was well attended. I was there but not on the panel, it was political and heated at times. I held the mic for the audience participation part.

I saw her as she approached after the program, her face hard, her gaze direct. Truthfully I felt her contempt and wanted to shield myself behind the person I was talking to. Instead, I did what I have trained myself to do I thought "thank you God for divine order." I smiled and greeted her like an old friend, "Hiiii," (it was long and drawn out). She didn't smile back, that really troubled me. No one could resist my smile. That's what I was taught.

My mother was from the south and believed in grooming her children into the people she wanted us to become. She'd taught us to always smile, saying "you get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar." She'd be pleased when people gave us sodas or bags of chips free of charge, complimenting her what wonderful, well-mannered children she had. She and my father both were proud but as I write this it sounds more like a gypsy training without the intended deceit. "Smile and the whole world smiles with you," she'd say.

This woman at the forum didn't crack a smile she looked at me with a face of stone and asked "are you Sandra Bishop?" "Yes I am, do you listen to the show," trying to start a conversation. Her head shifted slight to the side and said "I recognized your voice." She was already walking away as I said "thanks for listening" to her back. No name, no hug, no hand shake - nothing.

When I first started doing the show it was about relationships and I called it Let's Relate in Love. I was trying to hook people up or at least talk about relationship issues. You could hear the pain coming out as anger when they called in. When I held events I would watch people come in the door and thought they looked like birds with broken wings still trying to fly. Here they are looking for someone to rescue them rather than for a partner. I changed my show. Real relationship work, I told them, was not about finding the right person, but rather being the right person. Heal thyself.

There were people I called the talk radio junkies. No matter what channel you turned to if didn't hear them calling its only because you just missed them or they couldn't get through. I imagined that some of them sat in their homes and switched from station to station just like we do our televisions. Michael was one of those talk show junkies, he listened to everyone even Howard Stern. He called me one evening and asked me on air "Sandra, why do you take callers? " Stunned, I was silent - that wasn't a question I was prepared for, it threw me. "Do you really think we tune in to listen to your callers?" I had to say something, there was dead air. I stammered a bit trying to explain that "this is talk radio, its for the community so they can have a voice." He paused then said dryly "we don't tune in to listen to your callers," and hung up. Now, that threw me for a loop.

I don't think people realize how feedback affects people. I've seen host that have gotten a rude caller that said their show sucked never show up again. Sometimes, we're bewildered by what the real meaning is behind their statements. Is this just today or every show? Was Rue angry at me? Was Michael saying I wasn't utilizing my callers correctly or that I needed to not talk to them anymore?

I had noticed was that the phone lines would start ringing even before I started my show. That happened for a lot of the shows. People would hold too, sometimes for 15-20 minutes waiting for you to answer. You say welcome to the show or something like that and they'd talk about stuff totally unrelated to what your show topic is about. I asked one guy are you even listening to the show? Our screeners only took names and told us what line they were on. Soon after Michael's call, I stopped taking callers and just talked. And I can talk.

Each week I prepared my show like a minister prepares a sermon. I'd gather info and do the research. I hated when people tried to wing it, its disrespectful. I have always felt it an honor to have people listen to me, they can easily flip the channel or get up and walk out. If you honor me with your attention I'm going to honor that by being prepared and having something worthy of your attention to talk about. And I was intimate with my audience - I define intimate as "in-to-me-see." That meant regardless of how they may judge me for what I said or thought I had to speak my truth, they deserve that.

I get choked up about stuff like that, because its not a game to me. Our minds our emotions are fertile ground and deserve the respect of one removing one's shoes. (feet ruled by Pisces symbolic of understanding) Moses took off his shoes - emotionally I do too. I know to whom I'm speaking and reverence is due. Anytime you have the ablity to influence how people think reverence is due.

I started going out speaking more. One Sunday I was doing an early service for someone. I got there just in time to walk into the sanctuary, it was early & I was verging on late. Seated in the hallway was a lady who looked to be in her early 50's a little homely looking. (you know I'm anything but) When she saw me rushing towards the entrance to the sanctuary she stood up. She was clutching a well worn purse tightly against her. She looked like a mother and wife who had always put everyones needs ahead of her own like most do, like mine did. She seemed uneasy yet determined.

Bobbie, who was guiding me in, said that she'd been there when she arrived. Said she needed to talk to me, but she couldn't stay. My bad I should have arrived early. As I smiled tears started rolling down this woman's face. She'd came to thank me she said for my show. I'm not sure how she took it but I heard myself say "No thank you, my show the issues I talk about are my issues, you just get to ease drop." That's what they mean by I'm blessed to be a blessing. I never thought I as doing anything important. I was just living out loud being used like a conduit through which blessings flowed and that others get a blessing too, well that was kind of nice too. So when I tell people I love speaking it because I do it for me, it grows me and blesses me. You can't get arrogant or think you're special when you get naked and bare your soul in front of other people. I describe the high I get is like a drug induced high, I'd imagine, and I can't wait for next fix.

I announced I was going to start giving weekly classes. I was studying the bible, A Course in Miracles, Joesph Campbell, Carl Jung, Louise Hay, Marianne Williamson and Carolyn Myss to just name a few. I meditated for at least an hour daily, studied and wrote.

I had talked the class up over the air but wasn't sure if anyone would come. I felt nervous. I'm not sure who was there probably just Maria & I. Maria has always been one of my most loyal supporters so I'm sure she was there. She and I were talking as we waited for people to show up. It was a small church. The outside double doors were made of heavy steel, once through those 10 feet ahead to the right was eight steps you had to come up that opened directly into the sanctuary. We'd set up the chairs in a semi-circle and there she and I sat. Waiting.

We heard the double doors open and bang shut. We had stopped talking and looked towards the steps. The air changed I felt a lightness it seemed pregnant to me, much like it does when its your turn to answer a prayer. Something big, someone big was approaching. I could see and feel the aura their energy, whoever this was was coming to give a blessing not get one.

I saw her, but not really. It took me about 30 seconds to realize who it was. It was the stone faced woman that approached me years before at the forum. She glowed and was smiling ear to ear as she embraced me, all three of us cried. Her name was Rue, Rue Love.

The station I was on changed their format in 2006 and ended my show. I thought I could go without living out loud, but it had me scattered. Serendipity: a guy I met at the radio station named TJ asked me at the last minute to be a guest on a cable show he was trying to get off the ground. I later ran into the program director offerred me a cable show too.

So fast forward to yesterday I got a card. In it the woman wrote "Thank you for letting the Holy Spirit lead you to give me "food for thought."" Thank God I'm living out loud again.

2009-01-20T11:02:00.003-05:00

I have cried several times over the past few days sad because I am at home watching the inauguration on TV rather than standing in the cold in DC. I promised myself that I would be there for the next historical event and I am not.

Like others I have felt vested in this election of our new President. I contributed to the campaign with my money and time. I have never cried as much as I have around this election. I really did not want to be here especially not alone watching. Sometimes watching on television can be sickening as reporters struggle to make themselves relevant by attempting to shape news and opinions rather than reporting the news. Why read excerpts of his speech?

How wonderful that we get to watch the changing of the power in our nation. There is a shift in the feel and texture of our nation. Not because Obama is a Black man but rather because we have a new ideology or modus operandi. Yes, I assume that world leaders will give the congratulatory phone calls and express a willingness to work with new administration. This time however the tone will be different. I sense that our standing on the world stage will be transformed by this new energy.

OK, its time for me to go and listen to watch to this historic event. I am truly proud to be an American today.

Now what?

2009-01-13T21:19:00.002-05:00

I use to have it all together or so I thought. I one of those who's pretty clear about what gives me joy. I love to speak publicly. I've been in front of audiences big and small, loved that. Sat alone in a booth talking into a mic for 12 years it went out over the radio airways, loved that. I did a lot of writing in the past too, loved that too. I suppose I just love communicating. It helps me sort out what I think. I hope that sounds good to you because its not quite true or truly what I believe. I actually believe that I'm a channel through which information flows.

Honestly, its a bit scary for me to make that admission. I know how others have a tendency to judge the things that don't understand or believe. It causes some to listen more closely and others to disregard whatever else I may say. So there its out. I said it. Now what?

Food 4 Thought

2008-09-14T18:51:00.001-04:00

I recently started doing a piece for Village Television here in Cleveland Ohio called "Food 4 Thought." I was on the air doing talk radio for 12 years. The station changed their format and abruptly dropped our programs. I suppose it was like loosing a major part of my life, part of my identity or definition. For so long I was a talk show host and always looking for fodder for the show . . .then nothing. I turned off for a while unable to reconcile or even admit the void that opened within me. I did a lot of house cleaning that year, ending a relationship, a friendship, a job and a voice. I struggled to find myself.

Doing radio was not just an occupation. It wasn't a public image - those seem harder in some regards. People know you and your history. I was some what anonymous on air, I talked into a mic; fielding calls and giving my opinion - my take on the world. I lost my voice. Hmmm.. ..

Ok, so depression is over. My silent anguish has turned into an internal urge to re-emerge. To reclaim my voice. To live and think out loud once again. So yes I said . . .Sandra said it. Join me.